


My Light in the Darkness

by Fangirlism_is_cool



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Reunion Fic, Suicidal Thoughts, angsty, but with a fluffy ending, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2018-01-19 00:56:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1449346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlism_is_cool/pseuds/Fangirlism_is_cool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John feels ready to end it all and finally join Sherlock after a year of praying for his miracle. When John texts a final goodbye to a number he thought was dead, he gets a reply and his world is once more spun upside down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Light in the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as an omegle RP. The first part i.e. the text part, is from that. It ended kinda quickly but I thought it had potential so I continued it.

It’s been a year Sherlock. I asked for a miracle one year ago today. I held out, hoping you would come back to me. But I've given up now. You're not coming back. I loved you, you know. So fucking much. And I still text your number. Well... I used to. This will be the last one I send. I'm coming to see you tonight Sherlock. And I can tell you in person. You didn't come back to me, so I'm coming to you. JW

Don't do anything silly, John. –SH

Oh come on, really?? I don't know who you are or how you got this number but just.... leave me alone, yea? JW

It's been too long already. -SH

Please. I can't do this. I'm not replying to you anymore. Whoever you are. I'm doing what 

I have to. JW

Please don't. -SH

Why not? I have nothing left. JW

Not your whole life ahead you? -SH

That's nothing, nothing without Sherlock. You read the text, whoever you are, so you know I loved him. Still do. I can't.... live, if he's not here. I simply can't. JW

I always knew. -SH

Just stop. Leave it. Even if he did know, he never felt the same. JW

I could never say it. I'm sorry. -SH

Stop. This is nothing to do with you anyway. I'm done. I'm going to see my best friend again. JW

I knew from the moment you fell asleep on my shoulder, after a case, on one occasion. -SH

And I realised how used I could get to the sensation. -SH

Stop pretending!! Stop exploiting my feelings, you are not Sherlock! He isn't here anymore, and I'll be joining him soon. JW

And then we curled up on the sofa one time when you couldn't sleep with the fireworks outside the November before I left. -SH

And I held you all night and you were so embarrassed in the morning and made me swear not to tell. -SH

Impossible. How.... how could you know that? JW

I'm sorry I never told you. -SH

Sherlock.... JW

I've missed you. Please don't think I haven't. -SH

Please don't be angry. -SH

Angry? I'm furious!! But I'm also ecstatic, amazed, overjoyed and I would very much like to punch you in the face for putting me through this!! JW

Please don't punch me in the face, John, I'm very tired. -SH

When was the last time you properly slept? Or ate? JW

Properly slept? 9 days. -SH

Idiot. Sleep. Now. I'll.... still be here when you wake up. JW

Can you promise? -SH

I can promise. I'll still be here, drinking tea and watching crap telly. JW

I've got things to be doing before I sleep. -SH

No. Those things can wait. You haven't slept in 9 days Sherlock, you need to rest. JW

They can't. I'm sorry. -SH

Please, for me, just sleep. JW

I'm in a field. -SH

What... why? JW

Because that's where I've chosen to be. –SH

I'm going to be here for half an hour and then I'm going to make my way to the train station. -SH

And then I'm going to spend two and a half hours on a train to get to London, I'll probably sleep then. -SH

On the train, or when you get to London? JW

Both. -SH

Good. I don't suppose you can tell me why you're in a field? JW

Case. -SH

Right. Gonna elaborate? JW

Multiple murder. -SH

Ok.... Anything I can do to help? JW

You can drink your tea and watch the television. -SH

Right. And, erm, where are you going when you... get to London? JW

I suppose I'll come back to the flat. -SH

Ok. You don't have to. I mean, your room is the same and I haven't really changed anything. But don't feel like you have to come here. JW

You were going to kill yourself, John. -SH

Why wouldn't you be the first person I go to? -SH

Oh God... I was just so caught up in happiness that I.... forgot about that. I don't want you to come back to just check up on me. JW

I want you to come back because you want to. Because you missed me. JW

I miss you. -SH

Good. It would really have sucked if I was the only one doing any missing. I- I can't wait to see you. JW

You said you loved me. -SH

Yes. JW

You said you always knew. JW

I did. -SH

Why didn't you say anything? JW

I could find the words. -SH

And you can now? JW

I miss you. –SH

I miss you too. So much. You being alive is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Besides meeting you in the first place. JW

I'm sorry I had to do this. -SH

You still haven't explained why you had to. JW

Because I couldn't lose you. -SH

You could never lose me. JW

I could. -SH

And I was going to. -SH

And I'd never have told you how I felt. -SH

And.... How exactly do you feel, Sherlock? JW

I miss you. -SH

You've said that. A lot. Anything else? JW

I need to sleep now, John. I'll see you later. -SH

Sherlock, don't do this to me. JW

Goodnight John. Two and a half hours. I'll be home. -SH

Fine. But I'm not giving up here. I'll still be awake when you get home. I'll have tea ready. JW

And food. And you will eat it. JW

I will eat the food you give me. -SH

You better. All of it. JW

Of course. -SH

Make sure you sleep on the train Sherlock. I don't want you collapsing from fatigue. And I will know if you have. JW

I will. -SH

John sighed and put down his phone. He scrubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath. Sherlock was alive. Impossibly alive. And John had never been happier. He glanced at his gun that was laying on the coffee table. This morning, he had been adamant to end it all. To see Sherlock again. And now he was going to, without a bullet. He switched on the TV to some monotonous show and leaned back on his chair, zoning out, simply thinking of Sherlock.

Sherlock, exhausted from the train journey, despite the two hours of sleep it had bought him, leaned against the door to the flat, swallowing thickly as he pressed his thumb to the bell, eyes closed as he swayed a little on his feet, waiting for a response from within the flat. Within 10 seconds of the doorbell ringing, John had the door open. He stared at his best friend for a few seconds before pulling him by the lapels into the warm flat and into a bone crushing hug. 

"Goddamnit Sherlock" he whispered into his coat. "You ever do that to me again, and I'll kill you myself. I missed you so much. "

Smiling weakly, Sherlock gave a small nod, moving his arms to wrap around John's middle, resting his head against his shoulder. 

"I’m sorry." He mumbled softly, closing his eyes a little as he allowed himself to be held for a moment. "I never thought it would affect you like this."

"How could you not think it would affect me?" asked John, pulling back to look at his friend, gripping the front of his coat. "Knowing how I feel about you.... how could you have possibly thought I would be ok?"

"I didn't really have an alternative." He murmured, casting his gaze to the floor, while raising his eyebrows. "I assure you, that this whole incident would have affected me in much worse a way if I hadn't done it at all. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, and I'm very sorry for that."

John shook his head. 

"I don't care anymore. I don't care about what Moriarty said to make you do it. All I care about right now is that you're here. Back where you belong." Sherlock was still looking at the floor, so John tentatively reached out a hand and lifted his chin softly so they were looking at each other. 

"Thank you. For stopping me."

"What else could I do exactly?" Sherlock asked curtly, furrowing his brow a little, as he looked over John. 

"I'll need to go in the morning, you understand?" He added, giving another thick swallow. "Case."

"Can I come with you?" John immediately asked. There was no way, come Hell or high water, that he was letting Sherlock leave without him again. There was only so much abandonment John could deal with. Sherlock frowned a little and thought, chewing the inside of his cheek a little. 

"If you'd like to, I suppose." He murmured, glancing up the stairs. "I'm very tired." He added, clearing his throat a little. "I need to sleep."

John released his grip on Sherlocks coat and ran a hand through his short hair. 

"Oh, right. Yea." he stammered. "Erm, there's a sandwich on the kitchen counter for you. And a cup of tea."

"Thank you." He whispered, and closed his eyes briefly before making his way up the stairs, pausing to glance back to John with a small sigh, looking over him. "You don't look very different." Sherlock remarked, quietly.

The corner of John’s mouth twitched upwards. 

"Hmmmm. Well I feel it." he replied, walking forwards. When he was well within Sherlock's personal boundary, he looked up. "I'm so glad you're back Sherlock. It wasn't the same without you here." Then John leaned up and placed a small kiss on Sherlocks cheek, before smiling softly and walking through to the flat. Sherlock blinked, furrowing his brow once again as he watched John move, before touching his cheek, wetting his lips a little. 

"I missed you." He mumbled, stepping into the flat, looking around it for a moment with a small sigh. 

John stood awkwardly in the middle of the flat, nervously looking at everything Sherlock looked at. Eventually, he moved to the kitchen and picked up the plate and mug he had left there. He walked back to the lounge, only to discover it empty. He was on the verge of panicking when he noticed Sherlock's bedroom door was open. Sighing, he made his way over to the door and hovered, uncertain, in the doorway. Sherlock leaned back against the bed, frowning slightly when John's shadow blocked out the light from the door frame. 

"Don't feel you can't come in." He mumbled, lifting his head from the sheets to look at him. "You're always welcome, I assure you." He paused, pursing his lips, hoping his breath didn't catch in his throat. "Come and lay with me for a bit."

John's breathing faltered and he hoped Sherlock was too tired to notice. He stepped over the threshold and walked to the bedside table, where he placed the plate and mug. He watched as Sherlock shuffled over to make room and immediately collapsed onto the bed, wrapping his arms around his consulting detective, burying his face in his neck, trying to fight off tears. Smiling weakly, Sherlock closed his eyes, holding him close and hushing him softly. 

"I'm here." He murmured, feeling John's body shake a little in his arms, and rubbed a small circle on his back with the heel of his palm. "You didn't lose me and I didn't lose you. Everything's the same. Everything's fine."

"For God's sake Sherlock, I'm glad you're back, but I can't just forget the last year. I almost killed- " he faltered. "I can't cope without you here, you brought me back to life and then it was suddenly taken away again. I love you, but if you ever do something like that to me again, I will leave." He let out a breath before pushing his face once more into Sherlock, his fingers trembling where they gripped his clothes. For a moment, Sherlock was silent. 

"I couldn't lose you." He murmured. "So I took myself off the face of the planet for a year, gave up everything I had, every friend in the world, my reputation, my name and took to just wandering around instead, with disguises and pseudonyms, unable to tell you what had happened so that I could guarantee your safety." He paused, giving a small huff of laughter. "And I still can't tell you how I feel."

John lifted his head, his eyes wide and filled with unshed tears. He looked at Sherlock, his best friend and remembered all the good times they had had together. He looked tired now. So much must have happened while he was gone. John vowed to help him through it. But for now.... 

"Then show me instead."

Sherlock's legs tensed a little as he bit the inside of his lip, and nodded, slowly leaning in to nuzzle against the crook of John's neck, rolling onto his side to press a clumsy kiss to the edge of his jaw, hands shaking a little as he gripped onto his flatmates jumper, mimicking the hands he felt at the back of his coat. John closed his eyes and smiled softly as he felt Sherlock's hands grip his jumper. When a small kiss was placed at his jaw, a jolt of adoration flashed through him. He opened his eyes and looked into the impossibly coloured eyes of the man he loved. Sherlock was.... scared? John smiled again and leaned forwards, closing the distance between them to place a chaste, barely there kiss to Sherlock's lips. Sherlock flinched away, turning his head a little and blushing. 

"It's really not necessary" he mumbled quietly, biting the inside of his lip again, though he couldn't deny he'd enjoyed the touch of John's lips against his own, as his heart thumped in his chest.

"Sherlock" said John softly, reaching out a hand to turn Sherlock's face back to his own. His hand caressed Sherlock's cheek and he smiled. John knew he was pouring everything into that smile. How much he missed him, how much he's glad he's back. How much he loved him. He twined the fingers of his other hand with Sherlocks and brought his hand to his mouth, kissing the knuckles softly, before laying his head back down on Sherlocks chest. Blushing a little deeper, Sherlock pursed his lips, and closed his eyes a little, letting his free hand wander over John's back. Do it right. Do something that feels nice...does that feel nice...what do you do? He gave a small gasp to himself and opened his eyes again as he snaked his hand under John's jumper and shirt, settling his palm on the small of the doctor's back. John felt Sherlock's hand slide beneath his jumper and shivered. He tucked himself closer to his detective, moving his hand so it was placed above his heart. John snuffled into Sherlock's coat, and hooked his leg around one of Sherlock's, trying to get as close as possible without climbing inside of him. Sherlock pressed back against him, nuzzled at the top of his shoulder as he gulped. 

"How do you do this?" He whispered softly, looking down at John's face. "What am I supposed to..." He blushed again, trailing off as his breath caught. "Sorry."

"You don't have to do anything, love" murmured John, his hand now tracing patterns on Sherlock's purple shirt. "If you want.... this, we can figure it out. Together. I love you, and I want you. Any way I can have you."

"Missed you." Sherlock mumbled, letting go of John's hand to shakily undo the top two buttons of his shirt. "And I want...this and I want you and I'll do anything."

John reached out a hand to cover Sherlock's. 

"We don't have to do anything right now." he said, twining their fingers together. "You're overtired, I'm emotionally exhausted.... I'd settle for a goodnight kiss. We have forever to do anything you want. But right now, it's not necessary." He kissed the palm of Sherlocks hand and looked up at the man.

"Right." Sherlock murmured, with a small nod, pausing for a moment to think the situation through, brow furrowed as he shrugged off his coat from around his shoulders and toed off his shoes, abandoning both to the floor beside the bed. "But you'll stay with me...won't you?"

John watched Sherlock as he stripped off his coat and shoes before getting under the covers. It was strange to see Sherlock so uncertain. But, John nodded. 

"Of course. If that's what you want." he said, pulling his jumper off and sliding under the sheets next to Sherlock.

"I do." He nodded, firmly, feeling John close to him. "I want you here." 

Sherlock shuffled closer, pressing himself awkwardly against John before leaning down close to kiss the side of his cheek softly. 

"Because I like you falling asleep next to me." He frowned. "Plus the feelings." The taller man added, slightly aloof.

John chuckled quietly. 

"Plus the feelings" he agreed, snuggling into Sherlock's side, relishing in the feel of the warm body next to his. He yawned widely and pushed his face into Sherlock's chest. "I love you" he said, pressing a kiss to his chest before closing his eyes. "And, I never want to be without you again. Please don't make me, ok?"

Sherlock’s arms tightened around the shorter man, bringing him impossibly closer. He focused on the feel of John against him, his short blonde hair tickling his chin and his smaller hand placed at the middle of his back. Unwittingly, Sherlock found himself thinking of the year he had spent apart from John. He had done things he was not proud of, things that would have him screaming in his sleep for months to come, but he could not bring himself to regret a single one. It was these actions that allowed John to be safe, to keep him alive. Everything he had done had been for John. Sherlock knew how he felt about his blogger, even if he couldn’t say it out loud. 

“Never again” he whispered, placing a small kiss on the top of Johns head. “I promise, I will never leave you.” 

After a while, Sherlock began to trace patterns and letters on the shorter man’s back. And if some of those letters spelt I L O V E Y O U, well, that was purely for John.


End file.
